Before I stare at my navel for an hour, I have to acknowledge those greatly suffering from the violent events going on. I don’t say anything on other platforms except in person, but it feels wrong to go about life as if nothing happened. But it’s not about how I feel or process it. I will never know the kind of prejudice a black person in this country faces and all its nuances. I take extra care to be grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given, mindful of people I encounter, and make it a daily habit instead of one spurred by events. We have to fight racism in ways big and small, and we have to play the long game instead of waking up only when tragedy happens. If nothing else, we have to do it for the ones who died.
And I am very grateful to have the luxury of blathering about white fever today.
So I haven’t been dating this year. Burned myself out in 2015. But I made one exception by going out twice with a guy who seemed to have a lot of the qualities i think i want in a partner. in other words, someone who would be a “good boyfriend” and thus someone I would never be that interested in. Yep I need help–my therapist is in the wings.
Anyway, this guy fell into the brother zone, despite my stubbornness to make it work. I tried to affirmative action him, but in the end he wasn’t quirky or challenging enough to keep me interested. It probably wasn’t solely because he was Asian, but it’s hard to ignore the patterns that develop with each new guy.
As I chewed over my decision for a week, I came to the disturbing realization that all my fantasy boyfriends are white.*
I don’t think the media and growing up in Ohio are the only factors here. Plenty of people who might identify with “bananas” for lack of a better term, imagine themselves living happily ever after with an Asian person. And plenty do it.
To clarify, I may marry an Asian guy. I have chased and lusted over them. But they are not what I imagine as partners. When a real person or hot actor gets on my radar, I’m totally there. But in my daydreams? I’m afraid it hasn’t changed much since adolescence.
My fantasy boyfriend is kind of an indie nerd. Looks kind of like an alter boy and possibly harboring some religious baggage from childhood. Highly cultured and discusses books and news with his parents, who are very proper and probably know nothing about interracial dating. He is probably embarrassing on the dance floor, is not a “foodie”, nor overly close with his family. And I should have more social anxieties and identity crises than him.*
My fantasy boyfriend is highly influenced by the crushes of my youth
, and like all the gnarly preferences and habits we pick up as children, he is set in stone already. I have to accept it, and rise above it if I want to be more discerning when choosing a healthy partner.
But am I that much different than guys with Asian fetishes? Put two guys with the same qualities in front of me–one white and one not–and I’ll probably resort to my ingrained preferences. When does it become more than personal penchant, but a larger problem to fight?
*Actually, another trend is that many guys I meet who fit this description are gay. Sometimes they are straight and non-white. And then I meet their white girlfriends.