I have been thinking about dating for a long time–like two years. For someone who entertained romance only briefly, and mostly in the unrquited sense, for the first 25 years of her life, I am realizing…it’s very tiring. I’m tempted to calculate the number of hours I’ve spent thinking about relationships, and converting that to accomplishments I could’ve made with that time and energy. Building a swingset. Getting a pastry chef certification. Making a zine.
I would’ve like to do any of those things but apparently I like to think about boys more. Examples:
1. I met someone who I felt crazy about. You know how people talk about meeting their special person, and just knowing? I thought it happened to me–he just GOT ME. Too bad those people don’t mention that it’s not always mutual. Enough days have passed that I can find it amusing now–I think we made each other feel like we were in high school. For me, that meant feeling power and possibility and closer to my genuine self. Unfortunately, for him, high school felt like wanting to “run to the bathroom and cry.”
2. I think half the people I meet now talk about being or having been poly at some point. I’m very glad I live in a city with smart, honest, open, sexual people who have the luxury of dating and not jumping into monogamy, but it’d be nice to eschew “poly” as a catch-all for complicated relationships. Being in open relationships, casually dating and being honest with your partners, living/sleeping with your ex, etc…does not make someone poly. There needs to be a fundamental ability and preference to feel compersion and have emotional intimacy and responsibility for more than one person.
3. My ex said he’d like to get back together again and I didn’t have an answer, so I guess that makes us “complicated” (as opposed to “poly”). How wild that someone who made me feel crazy for over a year no longer has that affect. And yet I feel closer and care deeper about him now, because it’s not about me anymore. Is this like what people in stable long-term relationships feel for their partners? The thing I love about getting older is realizeing that fea of change is as bad as it gets–once it happens, I’m already well-equipped for it.
4. But I still want to feel crazy