I think I’m going to be on a diet until I have kids. But my diet doesn’t have rules, and doesn’t feel like deprivation, so does it still count? I say yes, because I strongly consider everything I eat, and I will possibly never feel thin enough. But I have accepted this lifestyle.

A few years ago, I had a huge appetite and little understanding of moderation, which led to some weird weight-loss habits. This is a farewell to the shitty “food products” I binged on whenever I felt out of control.

Popcorn

Like most diet foods, this is mostly air and sawdust. It might taste like food when you douse it with nutritional yeast, soy sauce or sriracha, which makes it very alluring. Like an ex-smoker who needs to carry a pack around for security, I always have a bag of kernels in the pantry.

100 Calorie Snack Packs

I’ve never bought these bags of sweet air, but a former office I worked in used to have these in the kitchen. They taste like communion wafers, but you’re better off saying a prayer than eating them.

Sugar-free Light Ice Cream

Mostly air and chemicals–but not the good trippy stuff. My mom, queen of fake desserts, keeps this in her freezer. Which unnecessary because it never melts.

Sugar-Free Light Yogurt

This double-whammy does a number on my digestive system while leaving a regrettable aftertaste.

Low-Calorie Noodles

Smells like fish, and tastes like rubber bands. I bought these a couple times when they first came to the U.S. market from Asia, where they’re a very popular weight loss food.

Rice Cakes

In grad school, I used to buy ast least three bags of these at a time and eat them for dinner. If you start with a savory flavor like cheddar or ranch, and end with caramel or chocolate, you can pretend you’ve eaten a three-course meal.

And because I’m now hungry, this is the end.