“Would your parents approve of me?” he asked around the time we decided not to swap fluids with other people.
“I don’t know. I tell them I wont be introducing them to anyone until they need to know. (aka, if i ever have the fortune of tying the knot, sometime after setting the date and before said date.) It’s easier that way. They’re crazy.”
“What would happen if they found out?”
“My mom would be anxious about me all the time, call every day asking what I was going, pop in for surprise visits (too late!), and turn everything into a heavily-veiled sex talk. My dad would probably pretend that you don’t exist.”
Since I ended up missing out on all the action, I can only summarize the event from pieces I’ve gathered from the boy and my roommate:
I popped into the shower, and he and his friend headed out for some coffee. Just as they opened the door, my mom walked up.
“Do you know [Asian Girl]? Are you her boyfriend?”
After an awkward stall, he confirmed. Small talk followed. (Which I can’t even imagine because my mom claims not to speak any English, which in reality means she only speaks English when no one else is there to talk for her and it’s absolutely necessary.)
“We’re going to get some coffee at Whole Foods. Can we get you anything?”
“No, our family is downstairs waiting. We are going to restaurant.”
My roommate came home around this time, and I came out of the bathroom in my towel, blind without my glasses. I said greeted her and looked right past my mother. I think I said “Hey!” mistaking her tiny, blurry silhouette for a friend of my roommate’s. I continued to my room to get dressed. The boys left, and she switching over to asking my roommate questions.
By the time I came out, the apartment was empty except for my roommate. After learning what happened, I went downstairs, and found no one, so I called my dad. Who pretended like nothing happened.
“She’s fine. We were wondering if you wanted to get lunch with your aunt/uncle before they headed back to Santa Barabara. Since you weren’t picking up your phone, we thought we’d come and wake you up…”
“Is mom mad?”
“No, she’s fine!”
“Put her on the phone, then.”
I started explaining to her in vague terms what happened, why I wasn’t picking up, and how they’d crashed at my place because this guy was visiting from out of town.
“That’s fine. Be safe. Have a good day.”
She calls me at lunch the next day, chipper as ever, updating me on life’s insignificances. I have to broach the topic.
“You mad at me?”
“No! if you’re happy, I’m happy. Just don’t want to see my kid tricked or taken advantage of.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve dated before. I’m a rational person. I can take care of myself. I just like to keep some things private. I won’t do anything stupid.”
“I’m SO relieved! You know I like to worry. Hearing you say that makes me feel so much better.”
And on that vague note, the conversation ended. I’m sure it won’t be the last.
“She was nice,” he told me later.
There are some assumptions to make if I’m to believe this gross exaggeration.
1. She is glad to finally have proof that I am attracted to males.
2. She thinks there’s a possibility I might escape spinsterhood.
3. Her dreams of my marrying a Chinese doctor die a little with each passing year.
4. She maybe possibly didn’t completely hate this sweet, adorable boy.
1. I can’t get out of the shower now without stressing to find my mother standing there.
2. Thinking about her is an instant boner killer–and I’ve been thinking about her a lot.
3. He has a new joke of sticking his hands down my pants at times when I least expect it and yelling “What up, mom!”