Asian Girl Problem #106: Sex, Drugs, Soda

There are roughly a bajillion articles online about introducing a non-Asian guy or girl to your parents, or having them find out prematurely (any day before a wedding day is not the day, in my opinion), or dealing with families who disapprove. My story basically follows the same plot as all the stories of my youth. Despite being a really good kid, I’ve hidden a lot of things from my parents to 1. save everyone time/strife, 2. protect good things from being ruined by them, 3. maintain their angelic/chaste perception of me.

Keep doing the same thing, and life follows the same patterns. (But I’ve gotten away with a lot more things than not.)

When I was a kid, my mother would tell me not to eat candy because it would make me fatter. But I still did whenever our teacher rewarded us with it. Because I am not a moron. But one day she came to pick me up a little early, and saw me throwing a Tootsie Roll wrapper into the trash and flipped her shit. Yelled at me the entire drive home while I bawled that I hadn’t eaten the candy, but was throwing away trash I found. At six, I learned the art of bluffing for the first time when she got home and picked up the phone, threatening to call my teacher to verify. As soon as I confessed the truth, I realized she had tricked me. I was sure she didn’t have the phone number. She lectured me for days afterwards about how lying leads to sex and hard drugs. I got much better at sticking to my lies after that.

When I was a few years older and developed a bad habit of biting my nails in class, I’d see my her head looking in my classroom window sometimes, when she wasn’t working. Yes it was terrifying. She claims she did it more than I realized.

When I used to hang out in the hip neighborhoods in high school on weekends, I saw my parents drive by us once. They say they were conveniently in the area. I say they were trying to see if I was with a boy who wanted to date me. Joke’s on them–I was with a girl who wanted to date me.

When I was in middle school, I hung out with boys outside of class no more than a handful of times and the only time I can remember is the time we ran into her at the grocery store. We’d stopped in to buy some junk before heading to one of their houses to watch a movie. But she yanked me home and lectured me the whole way back on how I was the stupidest person because I put myself in a position to be raped and soda would kill me.

When I was taking a shower yesterday, my entire family–I mean my parents/grandparents/aunt/uncle thought it’d be nice to surprise me at my apartment to take me to lunch, because I’d been too busy that morning to answer my phone. I walked out without my glasses into my room, totally bypassing my mom, who, unbeknownst to me, was talking to my secret boyfriend, his friend, and my roommate. In between interrogating my roommate for information, she also asked about some charred waffles that I accidentally set on fire earlier that morning–I’d put them on the counter as a joke. Now she either thinks I am mentally disabled for eating carcinogens or doing some kind of waffle-looking drug.



3 thoughts on “Asian Girl Problem #106: Sex, Drugs, Soda

  1. Pingback: Asian Girl Problem #107: The Aftermath | Asian Girl Probs

  2. Pingback: Asian Girl Problem #111: The Elusive American Sleepover | Asian Girl Probs

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