here i am, back again when i need something from you – looking at old posts for ideas on what to write about for the first day of class (orientation technically) next weekend. i volunteered to bring something in first as usual, because it’s an easy way to open yourself to a class of strangers, get graded a tad easier, and earn the admiration of your professor (he literally called me fabulous (he’s rather flaming)). i dont know what to expect from my fellow students, but i’m feeling confident that i can do this grad school thing. i just can’t decide what to write about right now. i’m telling myself the first piece is kind of crucial so i’ve ruled out a few topics i’d like to write about but want to save for later. it’ll take a few days of mulling and stream of consciousness journaling until i find the appropriate one. i’m really drawn to writing about a long time ago, like a cleveland story (it’s an autobiographical course) but a lot will have to be made up because i can’t remember those so well. i have such vivid images and emotions attached to my time in ohio, but i’ve never written about anything from, say, after 8th grade unless it’s something that’s happening to me right now. i wonder where all those high school and even early college days went, and why i might as well have no lived during that period. it was so simply defined by looking like a lesbian, being obsessed with music, and studying. maybe once enough time has elapsed (aka i’ve forgotten everything) i’ll remember it fondly like i do now with ohio. i want to write about the first house (apt) i lived in…a wretched place that was falling apart, in a bad neighborhood, and yet a place that feels like the homiest place i’ve ever lived. there is no plot i can really associate with this idea yet, so i’m not sure. would a lengthy plotless mood piece work or should i kill myself trying to think of a specific anecdote to structure it within?
christ’s sake, i’m listening to bright eyes like i’m in 10th grade or something. he is absurd.
i have a new friend who is so lovely and nice. she was listening to him because her ex boyfriend liked him and last week, out of nowhere when she came from a week-long trip, he broke up with her for rather unclear reasons. i doubt they were clear to him, since it’s so easy to deceive yourself. they had been together for two and a half years and she had gone a bit crazy the week after the break up. she was listening to “it’s cool, we can still be friends” which i have but never really heard until now. i kind of get where she’s coming from, cause it must be such a heart wrenching thing to listen to yet somehow you feel like it’ll actually help, in a masochistic way. anyway, i’m in a similar situation as her right now. freakishly similar.


2 thoughts on “

  1. Hi Bee. It’s Marshall… I just started using xanga again and I thought I would stop by to say hello. It’s been so long– We should catch up sometime. We are probably really different people. Though it seems like you still have amazing taste in music. Stop by my xanga sometime if you like. I should warn you I made it to deal with a bad breakup I went through so almost all the posts are very depressing. Happy posts coming soon I hope.

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