growing up somewhere along the way

a couple weeks ago i think i reached a new level of happiness and self-acceptance, the cliche sort that you hear people go through when they mature into more self-confident adults. adults because i think it has a certain amount of connection to knowing what you love and feeling good at something (usually career-wise) and feeling more independent and just an all around Good Person/Contributor to Society. if i had a Good Person pin i’d totally be rocking it right now and believing in it a hundred percent. i know it’s not as simple as waking up one day and saying god i love myself and the world and i am going to look at people and love them because they all matter and i myself matter but that’s kind of what happened, finally, to me last monday. i consciously told myself to change and i did the next day but i can also kind of feel the lifetime it took for me to finally be comfortable with it. it did come slower for me than some people because i’m kind of introverted and sensitive but i’m so glad it really can happen. i’ve been waiting for myself to become more open and confident for so so long and i didnt know how i’d ever get there but apparently things finally felt ready last week. and i’ve been so happy. growing up has always felt like a huge chore and painful intimidating journey when you try to look into the future. not just with waiting for this, but with everything like starting college, work, etc…the real growing pain is always happening beforehand when your mind tries to fathom something it just isn’t ready for. but when i look back, or even in the present time, it is such a subtle, easy transition that didn’t come with all the bombast and angst i thought it would before the fact. this subtlety is so gorgeous-i wish it carried into all parts of life. most of the time it does.
i’m so happy, i cant say it enough. not happy like the girl in my class was who couldn’t stop saying it because she got an a minus on her paper. again it’s so subtle it comes with an extreme feeling of calm, something i know that’s going to last for a long time not the manic happy that will come and go like eating a good meal. i can’t ever imagine this feeling leaving, thank god. i love being me and i love my fellow human beings and i swear i’m not on e. there are so many silver linings in everything, take your pick. i’ll share an example which is completely girly but you get my point; today i saw this guy i’d been interested in since school started with his girlfriend who i didnt know he had. it made me so happy to see them together. i’m not spiritual, religious, superstitious, but i think the chinese penchant for believing in faith has rubbed off on me


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