i think i hit upon something just now, regarding why we get so frustrated at ourselves when we don’t meet the expectations we set (and i always have too many situations, dreams running through my head leading to expectations). we think we have control over our lives, whether that’s believing that life is not just all luck or perspiration is 99% or a crazy oprah philosophy that everything that happens to you is the universe’s response to the energy you send out. so when things dont go the way you hope or plan them to, it’s impossible not to associate that with personal failure. not that many things are totally out of your control. and most of those things do not matter. anyway, the best feeling is knowing you have control over what you want to happen. i feel a higher joy when i do well on a test i prepared for rather than by chance because it’s like i knew what i had to do, i accomplished a goal, i know how to repeat it, i know myself well enough to do what needs to get done. there are so many small things i have been meaning/wanting to do but why is the temptation of incaction so high. it would really take little to no effort to do these things at very little risk or cost to me personally yet it’s so hard to get the ball rolling. i can feel all the potential energy right in front of me but i cant bear to lift a finger and give it the push it needs to change my life. because i’ve had it too easy and dont know how important it is to be courageous

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  1. I enjoyed, “i know myself well enough to do what needs to get done.” I feel like that is exactly what I adore about being in school…pushing myself and forcing myself to strive for a goal. A goal like studying and actually learning or getting an article done. It is just me proving that I know myself, or getting to know myself at least.
    I’ve pondered guilt for the past few days. Just dabbled in the thought that I am so lucky to have a sane parent and that I have enough sense to filter out ignorance. It seems that so many people live with huge barriers of glass that they just look through their entire lives instead of escaping from them.

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