i dont get why i’m scared of so many things especially beautiful things. i can’t write beautifully or maybe not even emotionally and when i read other people’s writing that could be described as such, i’m skeptical. most of the time i can’t stand romanticized stuff either. give me bleak, flawed, aberrant. i write with sarcasm as a defense mechanism – actually that’s just me all the time. i hate getting these little personal revelations because it makes you aware of neuroses you didn’t realize you had. i keep pacing around in my own head thinking too much and it’s fucking with my ability to connect with anyone else. i think i’m also scared of people because i love them with more intensity than i have the energy to give and definately more love than i have for myself
(a simple example is talking to people i don’t know – it started with overthinking how i should act and talk because i knew i don’t give stellar first impressions. but after acting out the formalities all the time it’s been engrained into my habits. when i want to be more spontaneous i can’t because before it has a chance to register, i’ve already said my usual boring beige response. yeah i realize the irony of planning spontaneity but i do that when i’m with new people.
it’s bizarre to put this feeling into words and send it out there into the …’nets because it sounds so silly when i reread it)
i mean don’t you love it when someone lets down their guard to show you a really unflattering side. maybe it’s twisted but it makes me very grateful. i dont mean gory personal details or self-deprecation, which are all fine – those are delectible in their own right and send them all my way – but something quite weak or troubling about themselves that they usually conceal. that’s why i like getting my weaknesses out there early in the game but some probably think that’s laying it on too generously too soon
i haven’t fretted over this since high school but it came up today. i was saying that i do give off a pretty straight vibe and my lesbian friend burst into sardonic laughter and made a comment about my sensible boots. so much for the sisterly support. this CAN’T be why i’m still tragically single. can it…but i think my gaydar was always better than hers